Coming From Where I Am, Meeting People Where They Are

A dandelion never apologizes for itself. ~ Alexandra Shenpen

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote. My plan was to post consistently on this blog - at least once a week - to be delightfully disciplined in chronicling my thoughts, feelings, and experiences, post-thesis. However, as I currently sit at my computer I am thinking of the gentle 12-Step reminder to "plan the plans, not the outcome." And, per usual, the way most things happen in my life are not due to my arrangement of plans, but how I flow with the experiences.

Am I in "flow" now? Hmmm...somewhat. In some ways, I believe I am allowing myself to be and welcoming whatever is yet to come (this is actually an aspiration I created for myself just over a year ago when I left my second summer intensive at Naropa). I would chalk that up to my daily sitting practice, daily readings of all kinds of spiritual materials (books, articles, affirmations), and my willingness - more times than not - to pause and breathe before I allow myself to impulsively react.

That being said, the other "somewhat" here is that so often I feel exhausted. I am not sure if this is simply a part of my "coming down" process from the whole experience of going, going for two straight years: creating a new curriculum, teaching full-time +, attending to my own Masters studies and writing a thesis, or if there is something else going on, such as 105-113 degree days on end while adjusting to a new schedule/new mind-set at work (I am teaching two sections of sixth graders and three sections of twelfth graders drama, as opposed to teaching in a - mostly self-contained sixth grade classroom) this year. Or, perhaps, it's a combination of these things...or even something else (what that would be, I do not know).

So what I am saying is I don't feel quite like I am "joyfully exerting" myself. On the other hand, I am also enjoying my work and my students. I am experiencing paradox. I am hoping for a Parker Palmer insight to install itself into this paragraph. And I am also thinking that a little Pema-ism (as in, Chödrön) is in order here (i.e. "Start where you are.").

So here I am: feeling generous of spirit, wanting to joyfully exert myself, being more patient than usual (but still wanting it all "now" and "my way," don'tcha know), being semi-disciplined (sitting meditation, yes, everything else: here and there), and yet feeling lethargic, numb, and worn out.

I am also noticing my reactions in different situations. I read an article by Noah Levine (founding teacher of the Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society) in the September issue of Shambhala Sun where he uses the term "response-ability." That struck a chord in me. When I breathe, pause, and truly listen - to myself (my gut, my heart), and to others - my ability to respond comes from a place of compassion, from a wiser place than "my thinking is right" mind. I have noticed my internal response is reaction: defense sprung from fear. I have noticed when I wait, when I pause, when I remain truly present to the experience of self and others, my ability to respond with an open mind and heart is a much better - and even more practical - way to acknowledge and behave.

I gave my Department Head, Ed, at school two ten-minute plays that I was thinking about using with my Senior students for their semester performances. A few mornings ago Ed said to me in a very serious tone, "Nicky, I'd like to make some time to talk to you about those plays you are considering." Immediately I felt my defenses go up. "What's wrong with the plays?" I thought. "He thinks I make bad choices. He's sorry he thought I'd be a good choice for drama teacher." I walked around feeling agitated all day with these thoughts and feelings.

After school that day, I met with Ed. He told me he really enjoyed the pieces I gave him (though he said, I should cut the expletives and the reference to masturbation - which I was planning to do anyway). He said he just felt like it was his responsibility to let me know that we work in a very, very conservative community and he wanted to be my advocate and make sure I made choices (he said he would never tell me what I should and shouldn't do) that wouldn't cause me to have to deal with negative backlash.

Oh.

Thank you, Ed. And thank you, Universe, for another lesson learned. Pause. Listen.

I was so grateful for that dialogue. The next day I brought in one of the pieces for my students to read. One section had a completely negative response to the piece. One section was split, and the third found it humorous though they didn't quite get all the cultural/theatrical references. I decided to nix that piece. Though I want to challenge my students, I also want to meet them on their terms - where they are.

I have heard from several people who graduated the Naropa program the year before I did, that their year teaching post-graduation was a really difficult one...for a few different reasons. My friend, Joan, theorized that the difficulty may come from something that is actually a "good" thing: we are über-aware, and therefore, our sensitivity to everything is heightened. I have a feeling that I may have a somewhat-difficult year just from all that I noted at the beginning of this post. However, knowing that I can practice the paramitas of patience, generosity, discipline, meditation, joyful exertion, and prajna in order to ride the year with some grace (hopefully) and ease, allows me to believe that this year will unfold as it should and all will be well even with bumps along the way.

Do not fear the winds of adversity. Remember: A kite rises against the wind rather than with it.
~ Author Unknown

Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart.
~ Myla Kabat-Zinn

I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders.
~ Jewish Proverb

This is where I am. Today.

Happy to be here.

Spirituality Isn't Just Found on a Mountain Top...You Can Find it at Loews

There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophies. My brain and my heart are my temples; my philosophy is kindness. ~ Dalai Lama

Last week, while shopping at Soul Scape Gift & Bookstore in Encinitas, CA, I bought a stone slab with the above quote etched into it. It is now hanging on a wall in my livingroom.

My understanding of Buddhism is that God - a Higher Power, the Universe, the Divine - exists in the moment...in this moment. The Quakers say that the God in me sees the God in you. And Michael Levin who authored The Complete Idiot's Guide to Jewish Spirituality & Mysticism explains that spirituality is really all about striving to be the best person one can be. Compassion for self and all living beings, authentic connection with all sentient beings, ecology and the environment, feeling true joy and true sorrow and everything in between are all part of what it means to be spiritual.

After attending 12-Step programs for many a year, completing a two-year Masters program at Naropa University this past June, in the midst of taking Shambhala Training (I take my Level Three training next month), and most recently attended a five-day retreat at Deerpark Monastery, I am realizing more and more how each moment offers an opportunity for spiritual growth. How each moment offers me the chance to wake up.

I have studied acting for a major part of my life. Six very important components of acting are: 1) To stay present, 2) To connect to your breath, 3) To be aware - of self, others, space, and the world, 4) To develop compassion for self, others (including your the character you're playing), and the greater world, and 5) To be of service to the playwright, the director, one's fellow actors, and to the audience, 6) To cultivate joyful discipline of one's craft and whatever supports that.

These are the lessons I have found, too, in 12-Step programs, at Naropa, and in all that I have learned so far about Buddhism. Funny that I have to keep learning these lessons over and over. That I need constant reminders (little Mindfulness Bells going off daily). That when the student really is ready the teacher/teachings appear.

While at the retreat at Deerpark, I met a woman who had attended the retreat the previous year when Thich Nhat Hahn was at the Monastery. On our second-to-last day I asked her if she was enjoying the retreat this year as much as last. She replied, "No." Oh, I thought. Wow. "Can you describe why," I asked. She said, "It's just not as spiritual this year. It's fun and everything, but It's just not very spiritual."

Not spiritual?!

I thought everything about the retreat was spiritual. The land, the sky. The silence. The smiles and laughter. The meditation. The monks and nuns. The dharma talks and discussions. Mindful everything. The connections with others.

Hmm...I thought.

That evening, as we gathered for "Family Dinner" (eating just with our dharma discussion /service groups), the woman I had talked to didn't show up. I later heard from someone that she had eaten dinner with someone else. She also didn't attend the "Be In" (a celebration of performances) that evening, our final night at the retreat.

At first I judged her (I suppose, to be honest, I still do). I thought., "She's obviously missed the point. If she thinks spirituality can only be found in a Master Teacher, and can't feel/see that spirituality is right here. It's about being present and showing up." Hmph! (said, self-righteous little ol' me).

Upon a bit more reflection, I thought, "Well, this is that woman's path. She is probably right where she is supposed to be. It's not right of me to judge her on what she says and what she thinks. We don't have to share the same point of view. We had that discussion for a reason. Perhaps more will be revealed to me and to her."

Good thoughts. Though I didn't really buy into them. "Fake it 'til you make it," though (so I've been taught).

I remember when I first started going to 12-Step meetings. I was pretty much agnostic, had never really thought that much about God one way or another (except when I was about ten and read Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret and the main character said her parents had said, "God is a nice idea."). I was told that I needed to find a Higher Power - a power greater than myself.

First, under the guidance of my first sponsor, I used the group as a power greater than myself. Somewhere in my first year I felt the need to believe in "God," so I conjured up some old biblical idea of the man with the long white beard and the staff - a sort of Sistine Chapel-esque type of God. That kinda worked, but after awhile it seemed like a very narrow view of the Divine.

Over the years, my idea of God changed. I don't even know what God is anymore...the Universe? A Divine Force? Anything and everything? A feeling? A sense? God is a three-letter word and it easily rolls of my tongue, but I don't know what God really is. However, the idea of being present, open and alive in every moment makes sense to me. Being kind and compassionate makes sense to me. Having a sense, of curiosity, wonder and awe makes sense to me. Feeling every emotion fully makes sense to me. That is spirituality to me.

But it took me many years to fully come to this. And, so, who am I to judge the woman at the retreat and her path?

Yesterday I went to Loews to purchase some cinder blocks for some bookshelves I was constructing for my apartment. I got one of those big dollys and bought 12 cinder blocks. Though it really took a lot of upper-body strength for me to push that dolly, when the cashier asked me if I needed help, I declined. It actually felt really good to "joyfully exert" myself physically.

However, when I got to my car, an elderly gentleman in a pick-up truck made a U-turn and parked himself right next to my car. His window was open and he said, "I'm going to help you with that."

"Oh, no. That's okay. Thank you," I said.

"No, no," said the man getting out of his truck. "I'm going to do that."

I watched as this man carefully arranged each cinder block into my trunk.

"What's your name?," I asked.

"Paul."

"Hi, Paul," I extended my hand. "I'm Nicky."

"Nice to meet you," he said.

"Nice to meet you," I said. "Thank you so much for your help. That was really great."

"You're welcome," he told me. "Have a nice life."

"You too," I said.

I watched him drive off in his truck. A simple encounter. An act of kindness. That man and I will probably never meet again. But for a few minutes we had a connection. Paul's act of kindness set the stage for the rest of my day. Reminding me to be kind, to smile, to be of help if needed.

No mountain top or Master Teacher required. Kindness - spirituality - can be found in the parking lot of your neighborhood Loews.

Breathing and Smiling

After a five-day retreat at Deerpark Monastery (http://www.deerparkmonastery.org/) I am enjoying some Buddha-spaciousness. I am grateful for my time at the Monastery, to all the monks, nuns, and the entire community at the retreat. I am breathing. I am smiling. I am enjoying the moment and looking forward to what is yet to come.

Jump Start

Tradition simply means that we need to end what began well and continue what is worth continuing. ~ Jose Bergamin

Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence. ~ Henry David Thoreau

Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possibility. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Here I go...

Done...ish

Thesis written and edited. Written some more and edited some more. Page numbers inserted (after hitting my head against the wall for an hour and a half) as best as I possibly could insert them. The Thesis, in its entirety, emailed to Thesis Instructor and Thesis Advisor by 10:00 A.M. on the due date of June 1, 2010.

Let all that be noted.

For posterity or for whatever. Just let it be noted.

What does one do after one is done with such an endeavor. I feel spent and empty all at the same time.

I have much to do to prepare for my Thesis Presentation on June 25. I also have much to do to finish up my teaching school year (enter grades, break down a set, clean out my classroom and office space, and start planning for fall). Yet, it all pales compared to what I just completed...at the moment.

And yet, what I completed doesn't even feel complete. There was so much I had to leave out - so much research, so many ideas...

Lee Worley always instructs her students to be aware of intensification and Space - to feel both fully. And to make Space our friend. Lee encourages, "notice what you notice." I am noticing it all, I am feeling it all. It's a bit overwhelming at the moment. It's all good. It's all good because I'm present and showing up for it all. I do, however, want to get back in bed and stay there for awhile, covers up. But I can't today. Or tomorrow. But I just might do that next week when I have some time. But by then, I may not want to. So I'll have to see how I'm feeling then.

But for now, I'm done.

Ish.

The Journey, the Wait, and the Weight Lifted

It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.
- Ursula K. LeGuin

I completed my thesis. I wrote the last sentence to the last chapter on Thursday evening, May 13 at 9:25 PM.

And though I completed my thesis, it isn't exactly complete. I am awaiting comments from my Thesis Advisor and red marks from my Thesis Reader. I still have to clean up my citations and write my Gratitudes. But, nonetheless, I finished my thesis!

I FINISHED MY THESIS!!!

When I told my mother Friday night, she said she was so happy to hear it because she thought I was, literally, having a nervous breakdown and wouldn't graduate (ahh- she of little faith! - I am joking, of course, as both my mother and father have been my biggest supporters throughout this entire process). However, I was beginning to feel like I was going to have a nervous breakdown and not finish my thesis either! The last few weeks have been grueling.

It's been almost a month since I last posted on this blog. Between teaching and writing this "tome" - and that's what it feels like printed out, holding it in my hands - I haven't had the time or even the desire to write anything more than I have to.

I still have a ton to do: the school year is coming to a close and I have two drama productions to prep for, tests to write, finals to put together, a stack of grading left to do, not to mention doing the re-writes for my thesis when I get my comments back from my Advisor and Reader, and prepping for my Presentation on June 25. At the same time, I truly feel like I can do ANYTHING! Send it my way: I can deal with it!

So, while I am awaiting feedback, a humongous weight has been lifted off my shoulders, my chest, my mind - heck: my whole being!

Thank you to all of my friends, co-workers, and family members who have gone on this journey with me - listened to me bitch, supported me through and through, and who cried tears of joy with me the past few days. This has certainly been one of the most challenging things - and one of the greatest things - I have ever done...and I'm still doing it. But it's wonderful and exhilarating to have hit a milestone along the way.

Analysis and Charting and Organizing - Oh, My!

Data, that is. Here is my work from this weekend, thus far. My Thesis Advisor helped me devise a plan of breaking down my data for my "Findings" chapter. Charting the data and putting it up on my wall so I could see it all - really get a good visual about the information I collected. I ended up charting my data in somewhat similar, but different ways - depending on what seemed like the best way to go. For example, the data I charted about "Other Teacher Practices" - for their in-class practices, I cut and pasted my already-typed up information. Then I made a column for the commonalities I found. When charting my students' responses, I used general themes that were expressed about each ritual practice. At any rate - I got something done. Something I can work with to begin writing up my data/analysis.

Above: Other teacher data (top: classroom practices; below: personal practices)

Above: Top - In-class rituals charted by how often they are used as well as which "Need" they feed. Bottom - Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs" pyramid and key.

Above: Top - In-class rituals (in my classroom), with overall/major responses by students to each ritual practice, as well as their imnplications *(referenced also are Maslow's "Needs" and what categories each ritual fulfills: community, connection, and/or compassion). Below - My personal ritual practices outside of the classroom: how often I practice them, the Maslow and "Three C's" connections, and the benefits/impact on teaching these rituals provide.