Done...ish

Thesis written and edited. Written some more and edited some more. Page numbers inserted (after hitting my head against the wall for an hour and a half) as best as I possibly could insert them. The Thesis, in its entirety, emailed to Thesis Instructor and Thesis Advisor by 10:00 A.M. on the due date of June 1, 2010.

Let all that be noted.

For posterity or for whatever. Just let it be noted.

What does one do after one is done with such an endeavor. I feel spent and empty all at the same time.

I have much to do to prepare for my Thesis Presentation on June 25. I also have much to do to finish up my teaching school year (enter grades, break down a set, clean out my classroom and office space, and start planning for fall). Yet, it all pales compared to what I just completed...at the moment.

And yet, what I completed doesn't even feel complete. There was so much I had to leave out - so much research, so many ideas...

Lee Worley always instructs her students to be aware of intensification and Space - to feel both fully. And to make Space our friend. Lee encourages, "notice what you notice." I am noticing it all, I am feeling it all. It's a bit overwhelming at the moment. It's all good. It's all good because I'm present and showing up for it all. I do, however, want to get back in bed and stay there for awhile, covers up. But I can't today. Or tomorrow. But I just might do that next week when I have some time. But by then, I may not want to. So I'll have to see how I'm feeling then.

But for now, I'm done.

Ish.

The Journey, the Wait, and the Weight Lifted

It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end.
- Ursula K. LeGuin

I completed my thesis. I wrote the last sentence to the last chapter on Thursday evening, May 13 at 9:25 PM.

And though I completed my thesis, it isn't exactly complete. I am awaiting comments from my Thesis Advisor and red marks from my Thesis Reader. I still have to clean up my citations and write my Gratitudes. But, nonetheless, I finished my thesis!

I FINISHED MY THESIS!!!

When I told my mother Friday night, she said she was so happy to hear it because she thought I was, literally, having a nervous breakdown and wouldn't graduate (ahh- she of little faith! - I am joking, of course, as both my mother and father have been my biggest supporters throughout this entire process). However, I was beginning to feel like I was going to have a nervous breakdown and not finish my thesis either! The last few weeks have been grueling.

It's been almost a month since I last posted on this blog. Between teaching and writing this "tome" - and that's what it feels like printed out, holding it in my hands - I haven't had the time or even the desire to write anything more than I have to.

I still have a ton to do: the school year is coming to a close and I have two drama productions to prep for, tests to write, finals to put together, a stack of grading left to do, not to mention doing the re-writes for my thesis when I get my comments back from my Advisor and Reader, and prepping for my Presentation on June 25. At the same time, I truly feel like I can do ANYTHING! Send it my way: I can deal with it!

So, while I am awaiting feedback, a humongous weight has been lifted off my shoulders, my chest, my mind - heck: my whole being!

Thank you to all of my friends, co-workers, and family members who have gone on this journey with me - listened to me bitch, supported me through and through, and who cried tears of joy with me the past few days. This has certainly been one of the most challenging things - and one of the greatest things - I have ever done...and I'm still doing it. But it's wonderful and exhilarating to have hit a milestone along the way.

Analysis and Charting and Organizing - Oh, My!

Data, that is. Here is my work from this weekend, thus far. My Thesis Advisor helped me devise a plan of breaking down my data for my "Findings" chapter. Charting the data and putting it up on my wall so I could see it all - really get a good visual about the information I collected. I ended up charting my data in somewhat similar, but different ways - depending on what seemed like the best way to go. For example, the data I charted about "Other Teacher Practices" - for their in-class practices, I cut and pasted my already-typed up information. Then I made a column for the commonalities I found. When charting my students' responses, I used general themes that were expressed about each ritual practice. At any rate - I got something done. Something I can work with to begin writing up my data/analysis.

Above: Other teacher data (top: classroom practices; below: personal practices)

Above: Top - In-class rituals charted by how often they are used as well as which "Need" they feed. Bottom - Maslow's "Hierarchy of Needs" pyramid and key.

Above: Top - In-class rituals (in my classroom), with overall/major responses by students to each ritual practice, as well as their imnplications *(referenced also are Maslow's "Needs" and what categories each ritual fulfills: community, connection, and/or compassion). Below - My personal ritual practices outside of the classroom: how often I practice them, the Maslow and "Three C's" connections, and the benefits/impact on teaching these rituals provide.

Space and Abstract

Having given myself alomost a week off from posting on this here blog, I am reaping the benefits of a little bit more room to explore and write my thesis. While the past week was extraordinarily busy, I managed to get my thesis abstract written, made some headway organizing my data, and had a terrific meeting with my Thesis Advisor this evening, who helped me create a structure for my "Findings" chapter.

I feel a bit more centered with the direction my thesis is moving in. There is definitely more clarity. I tweaked the title a bit - and that helped, and I'm putting more empasis on the connection between Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs than I had before. It is helping everything else fall into place.

Below is a copy of my Thesis Abstract:

Ritual Practices: Pathways to Cultivating Community, Connection, and Compassion (in and out of the classroom)

This thesis explores ritual practices as they are used by the author outside of her classroom and with her students in the classroom. Studies have shown that a sense of safety, well-being, and belonging are essential for learning. To learn deeply, one must take risks, develop a sense of wonder and curiosity, plunge inward and practice self-examination. This paper will examine how ritual practices can serve as pathways to cultivating community, connection, and compassion within teachers and students, fulfilling the basic essential needs of every human being, and subsequently leading to deeper learning and connections between self, others, the environment, and the greater world at large.

It feels good to post tonight. I have to admit I've been jones-ing a bit to write, but I committed to staying focused on the Big Kahuna (a.k.a. the Thesis itself), and that is where my energy belongs.

Whomever reads this: thank you. Thank you for helping me stay accountable to writing. There is a lot on this blog that doesn't have to do with my thesis. However, there is a lot that does, and some of those pieces are part of my data. I am so grateful that I chose this type of journal format. It has been a blessing throughout this process.

Making Room for Buddha

My thesis advisor told me tonight that she dreamed about me in my green car this past week.

I don't think I've mentioned the green car yet. The color green is representative of Karma energy - wind energy. Karma is action. It is moving, doing. I drive a green car. A green Prius, to be exact. Oh, no - not in the relative world...I drive my little green Prius in my very-full, subjective mind.

My green car transports me and all that I do: all my inner methods that are supposed to help me, like meditating, blogging, Morning Pages, Enso practice, Awareness Walks. Last week, my thesis advisor, Mary, encouraged me to welcome more Buddha energy into my world and into my thesis process. Buddha energy: white. Space.

Tonight Mary asked me if I could drop some of these inner methods off for awhile. She said they could go somehwere fun, like Disneyland. She said if I dropped some of these guys off, I would have room for Buddha in my car. And then my green car would be less green and become a bit more white. She said I didn't have to completely drop these methods...just let 'em go play somewhere else for awhile. She said, I needed to make more room...so I could write my thesis.

Scary.

Who am I without these methods? I've already cut back on my Enso practice and my Morning Pages. If I cut back more, am I doing enough? Will I be lazy? Will my thesis still be "good enough?"

But then I visualized Buddha energy in my car. I could see it. I could feel it. And it made sense. I am overwhelmed between my thesis work and the work I do for my teaching job. I overwhelm myself more by cramming up my little green car with inner methods. What if the inner methods are taking away from the process rather than benefitting it at this point? And what if I let them go - let them out of the car and dropped them off (somewhere safe) - for awhile?

Hmmm...

Okay. Okay...yeah...yes...I can do that. I think. I can let go of some of my inner methods. I've basically let go of Enso and Morning writing already, so, yeah: I can give those up. For now. Awareness Walks? Well, I have to walk my dog anyway...but sometimes I could walk Love in the mornings without being hyper-vigilant about being "aware." Okay. Sometimes I'll take Awareness Walks and sometimes I won't. Meditation? Well - no. I can't give that up. It's uber-grounding and helps me in so many ways - and it's part of my program. So shamatha stays in the car. But what about the blog? Must I blog every day? Right now? In the last six-seven weeks of my thesis, when I will be writing and writing and writing? Oh - oh...o..k..aa...y. I can give up blogging...every day...but I will still blog once or twice a week! Phew!

So, where will all these inner methods go - for awhile? Hmmm...Somewhere fun, Mary encouraged. And you can pick them up in the not-too-distant future, she promised. Well, then...Oh, I know: the Hotel Sofitel in downtown Chicago! 800 thread-count Egyptian sheets, with fluffy white comforters and pillows. My inner methods can jump on the bed, snuggle under the covers, order room service, sleep, watch cable, sleep some more, read any books they want, sleep some more.

Okay. This is starting to feel do-able.

As I hunker down (with a rough draft of Chapters four and five of my thesis due Thursday, April 22, and a full rough draft due May 1), it makes sense to let go a bit, drop off some of those inner methods at the Sofitel, and open up some space in that little green car o'mine.

So I won't be posting tomorrow. That seems odd. Mary said it's like when you're going through a break up. It's really uncomfortable in the beginning. Well, I've been uncomfortable before. Many times. I've lived through it. And, ultimately, the discomfort always changed...always turned into a new kind of comfort. So, here I go...

Space, space, space, space, space...

The Quest

To be on a quest is nothing more or less than to become an asker of questions.
- Sam Keen

Even if I walk away from my thesis for a whole day, it stays with me. It is always in the back of mind from morniong 'til night. Even during the school day, when I am focused on my students and what we are doing in the moment, my thesis is always looming, asking the questions throughout the day, in that tiney, quiet thesis voice in the back of my mind.

This morning during drama rehearsal, the girls and I choreographed movements for a song in the play called Jackmaker (sung to the tune of Matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof). I gave them direction, and then they came up with a few better moves. It was a collaborative process, and it was a really nice interchange of give and take.

As we were going back to our classroom (we rehearse outside where we have more space), some of the students were singing the Jackmaker song and a few of the kids were singing another song from the show. It wasn't anything monumental - it was just really nice to see/hear the students enjoying the song and the comraderie that comes with working on a production.

In Language Arts, our discussion turned to peer pressure and conformity - as the theme of individuality v. conformity runs through the book we are currently reading, A Wrinkle in Time. I asked questions, the students asked questions and we had a really thoughtful discussion.

Later in the day, during Social Studies, my students had the option sof working individually, in pairs or small groups to read a packet on ancient Rome and answer specific questions (on paper). I walked around (some were outside, some were in the classroom) and spent some time chatting and asking questions regarding the reading with some of the students. At the end of the period, we all met back in classroom and had an all-class discussion to wind up the reading. The students all had thoughts and feelings to share about the reading, and we also began (we ran out of time) to make comparisons to the book we ae currently reading as our read-aloud book, The Giver.

Throughout the day, my students and I engaged in play, in study, and in discussion. We shared ideas, thoughts, and experiences. We connected in different ways, on different levels.

As I said: this isn't monumental. It is just part of our day to day. And yet I wonder if we are able to have the conversations/discussions we do because of who we are, or because of the atmosphere we have created. Through ritual. And I wonder, if what I am seeing/feeling is seen/felt by my students - which, I think it is, from what they've told me.

Tonight, I typed up answers to questions from the "non-contemplative" questionnaires I received back from some of my fellow colleagues. I also cut/pasted answers from an online survey I conducted with three Naropa graduates. This will be part of my "Findings" chapter in my thesis. I thought about (and asked questions) about the answers I received, how I conducted the surveys, the questions I asked,,,Did I ask enough? Did I use enough teachers? What does this data offer me? What are its implications - if any?

In the musical, Man of La Mancha, Don Quixote tells Aldonza, "Whether I win or lose does not matter." She then asks, "What does?" Don Quixote replies, "Only that I follow the quest."

So every day, I do my best to remain open and aware. I continue to "notice what I notice" (per Lee Worley), and I continue to ask questions...to seek...to quest. I just can't seem to not do that.

Don Quixote sings:

And I know, if I'll only be true
To this glorious Quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest.

And I will be peaceful - I hope - when I am done with my thesis.

Data Collection: The Latest Technology

I'm thinking about all the information I need to write up in my computer. Some of it is on paper, awaiting to be transferred into my computer. But much is in my head.

When are the Microsoft, IBM, or Apple people gonna invent a port-in-the-head? At this point, shouldn't there be some kind of port in our head so that one could simply stick a flash drive in, gather and transfer the data, and then just stick the flash drive into the computer, and, voila - the data is all on the computer, ready to be copied and pasted into a document?!

I think that this would be an invaluable invention.

And while "they're" at it, don't you think at this point plastic surgery should be advanced enough that no surgery would be required? For example: couldn't "they" just simply invent a contraption that could push belly fat into the butt area (or vice-versa)?! It would be non-invasive, more people would be want to invest in the procedure, and I - well - I would be very happy.

Fat removed. Check.
Thesis done. Check.

Ahh...if it could all be just that simple!