There is Life After the Thesis

After chronicling my thoughts, feelings, ideas, and experiences throughout the thesis process on this blog (formerly entitled Rites of a Thesis), it seemed odd to me to simply let the blog go just because I had turned in my thesis and graduated. I don't want to merely "shelve" my thesis nor do I want all that I got from my time at Naropa to lie dormant. I want my thesis to continue to live and breathe and become, and I would like all the teachings and experiences I had during my time at Naropa to do the same. So I am keeping the blog (changing the title), and am commiting to myself to (w)rite on as I journey forward.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Making Room for Buddha

My thesis advisor told me tonight that she dreamed about me in my green car this past week.

I don't think I've mentioned the green car yet. The color green is representative of Karma energy - wind energy. Karma is action. It is moving, doing. I drive a green car. A green Prius, to be exact. Oh, no - not in the relative world...I drive my little green Prius in my very-full, subjective mind.

My green car transports me and all that I do: all my inner methods that are supposed to help me, like meditating, blogging, Morning Pages, Enso practice, Awareness Walks. Last week, my thesis advisor, Mary, encouraged me to welcome more Buddha energy into my world and into my thesis process. Buddha energy: white. Space.

Tonight Mary asked me if I could drop some of these inner methods off for awhile. She said they could go somehwere fun, like Disneyland. She said if I dropped some of these guys off, I would have room for Buddha in my car. And then my green car would be less green and become a bit more white. She said I didn't have to completely drop these methods...just let 'em go play somewhere else for awhile. She said, I needed to make more room...so I could write my thesis.

Scary.

Who am I without these methods? I've already cut back on my Enso practice and my Morning Pages. If I cut back more, am I doing enough? Will I be lazy? Will my thesis still be "good enough?"

But then I visualized Buddha energy in my car. I could see it. I could feel it. And it made sense. I am overwhelmed between my thesis work and the work I do for my teaching job. I overwhelm myself more by cramming up my little green car with inner methods. What if the inner methods are taking away from the process rather than benefitting it at this point? And what if I let them go - let them out of the car and dropped them off (somewhere safe) - for awhile?

Hmmm...

Okay. Okay...yeah...yes...I can do that. I think. I can let go of some of my inner methods. I've basically let go of Enso and Morning writing already, so, yeah: I can give those up. For now. Awareness Walks? Well, I have to walk my dog anyway...but sometimes I could walk Love in the mornings without being hyper-vigilant about being "aware." Okay. Sometimes I'll take Awareness Walks and sometimes I won't. Meditation? Well - no. I can't give that up. It's uber-grounding and helps me in so many ways - and it's part of my program. So shamatha stays in the car. But what about the blog? Must I blog every day? Right now? In the last six-seven weeks of my thesis, when I will be writing and writing and writing? Oh - oh...o..k..aa...y. I can give up blogging...every day...but I will still blog once or twice a week! Phew!

So, where will all these inner methods go - for awhile? Hmmm...Somewhere fun, Mary encouraged. And you can pick them up in the not-too-distant future, she promised. Well, then...Oh, I know: the Hotel Sofitel in downtown Chicago! 800 thread-count Egyptian sheets, with fluffy white comforters and pillows. My inner methods can jump on the bed, snuggle under the covers, order room service, sleep, watch cable, sleep some more, read any books they want, sleep some more.

Okay. This is starting to feel do-able.

As I hunker down (with a rough draft of Chapters four and five of my thesis due Thursday, April 22, and a full rough draft due May 1), it makes sense to let go a bit, drop off some of those inner methods at the Sofitel, and open up some space in that little green car o'mine.

So I won't be posting tomorrow. That seems odd. Mary said it's like when you're going through a break up. It's really uncomfortable in the beginning. Well, I've been uncomfortable before. Many times. I've lived through it. And, ultimately, the discomfort always changed...always turned into a new kind of comfort. So, here I go...

Space, space, space, space, space...

2 comments:

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Griffin said...

A vacation for your ritual methods... a ritual vacation for your ritual methods... I like it... make some space... lighter load for the little car... I will miss the daily blogs... but, then, I get behind because I can't read every day... maybe this way I will be able to keep up with you... like you're pausing for the slower ones in the group... even sounds healthy, not so compulsive!