Getting to Know Myself...Not so "Breezy"

It's a very ancient saying,
But a true and honest thought,
That if you become a teacher,
By your pupils you'll be taught...
Haven't you noticed
Suddenly I'm bright and breezy?
Because of all the beautiful and new
Things I'm learning about you
Day by day.

~ Anna, The King and I (lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein)

This morning I re-read last night's post, and I realized that like shamatha, my Awareness Walks with Love help me get more aquainted with myself...more aware of who I am and how I am, and some of it...I don't like so well. It's sort of hard to really look at.

I posted the lyrics above from "Getting to Know You," because when I think of Anna singing them, she seems like such a lovely, kind and patient teacher...everything so easy, despite the fact that she's wearing that dang huge skirt with petticoats in that swealtering heat and teaching students in a language other than her own, all while working under some chauvenistic king.

Like Anna, I learn as much (if not more) from my students as they learn from me. Unlike Anna, getting to know them is not always "breezy," and getting to know me is not always "beautiful." Or, maybe it is beautiful, but it's not always pretty and definitely not always comfortable.

Just as I interpret Love's behavior, I realized that that is what I do with my students - a few in particular. Because they behave a certain way, I decide it's because of this...or because of that...I make judgments. I get angry or irritated because they don't seem to change their behavior to meet my expectations. I often forget to let go of my expectations. My ego gets in the way. I struggle with the idea that I can help my students change (a.k.a. be the way I want them to be), and I struggle with the fact that they sometimes simply are who they are (ak.a. I can be of service in the best way possible, yet that doesn't mean I can always help them).

This morning I sat with these thoughts. They are not comfortable realizations. However, because I am aware of them, I have the opportunity to let them guide me to a better place, for my students - and my own - greater good.

This realization is a form of deeper learning...about myself. This realization helped me make a connection between my thoughts and my behavior. Therefore, I believe, my Awareness Walks with Love, like meditation, are leading me to greater awareness - in the present moment, as well as by helping me become better aquainted with myself...with my thoughts, emotions, and actions.